It took me a good 1 year to wrap my brain around the concept before I
even signed up for the course. I read lot of reviews about experience people
had, including who completed 10 days and the ones who left it mid-way.
Completely understandable, living like a monk or a nun is not for everyone.
They say – you cannot do it when you are at extreme end of happiness or sadness
and also if you do not see the real reason behind it. That ways, I felt, I was just
at the right phase of life to do it. This was the time when I am not closed and
could allow my conscious to see where the magic lies.
I called the management in Jun 2013, to my
surprise, they didn’t have any vacancies until Oct and so I simply grabbed
it. Neither my friends nor my family
could believe it was something I wished to do. Though, my strong head had let
me stay with the idea of doing it, I cannot deny I had few moments that made me
re-think about the decision.
At any rate, I thought I would write about my
experience right away, but there was no way to put into words what I had been
through. Apparently few relaxing weeks were also necessary in order to get out
all the experience I'm about to spew on you.
I still wasn’t sure why I was there. And I
definitely didn’t know how ten days of silence could possibly solve all my
problems and misery. Damn, I didn’t even know if I’d last the ten days.
But there I was.
Somewhere out in the middle of Victoria country
side called Woori Yallock at Yarra.
I made the right turn towards the entry of ‘Dhamma Aloka Vipassana Meditation Centre’
and right away clicked the picture of the centre entrance board to put on fb to
let the world know I was right there! Before I could refresh the page, my fb notification
tinkled. It was from one of my alter ego commenting on the picture – “Turn
back”. She thought I was crazy. I smiled and drove in. There were very few
people around so I went on to get a first look of the centre. It was not that
depressing as I thought – small cottages on a hilly area surrounded by tall
pine trees gave it a peaceful and tranquil feel.
It was
only post registration and parking my car in ‘female’ car parking zone I
realised, I happened to do the detailed tour of Male property and not ours. I
laughed at myself for being so dumb not to take notice of the tiny placards
kept at small distance on the ground. But I am glad I did as thereafter I never
got the chance to go in that area till we finished off with the course. This
was the time when I gave away my lifeline tools (mobile and my car keys) and
felt as if I have been trapped. Really, I could not go out, I could not contact
anyone. No one would know what’s going on with me?? I immediately felt naked.
The Basics (In present
tense)
It is difficult to put into words an experience that by its
very definition cannot be explained and must be experienced. It has been
designed very deliberately to separate you from your daily life and
distractions including banning all technology and communication with the
outside world and even with your fellow ‘prisoners’. It is the only way to get
there. It was the best, the weirdest and the hardest thing I think I have ever
done.
You are away for 11 days in total, but the meditation course
itself is ten consecutive days. Everyone is on their own journey and even
though we are all together, everyone is working in isolation. You are out in
the middle of nowhere, deep in nature where the only sounds are of birds,
crickets and the thunder in the distance. It is incredibly peaceful and crazily
remote.
There are both men and women who attend the course –– and
they are segregated to different parts of the property. Each gender has their
own dorms, dining hall and outside areas. The only time the men and women are
together is in the meditation hall but we are on opposite side of the hall.
Highlight for me were Gong sounds that is rung with change
in the activity schedule.
Our meals are prepared by
volunteers, former students. There are only 2 meals a
day during the course, early breakfast and early lunch. Ouch! I love my
dinners. Guess this will be another challenge for my active stomach and strong
appetite…
Every evening, we are learning
each step of the technique with instructions through recorded discourses, given
by Late S.N Goenka who seemed to be a man with wisdom and humour, which comes
as a breath of fresh air after 12 hours of intense meditation.
There is an assistant teacher that supervise the meditation
and answer your queries and each gender has a manager that they may speak to if
they have any problems with logistics – not feeling well, problems with food or
accommodations or likewise. There is no fund, or company set up to financially
keep it going, the staffs is all volunteers (former students) and all the money
that keeps it operating is donated from students who have completed at least
one course.
Meeting Her –
Torre DeRoche (Australian Writer)
There were few blocks of rooms around; room with occupancy of 2-3-4-6 and then the oldies (ex students) block. While people were introducing each other and starting to make conversations with one another, I immediately went looking for my allocated room and felt relieved to know I would stay in a room for 2. I went to my room and dropped my bags at the end of the bed on the right side of the room, pulled my bed-sheets out, curled into a fetal like position and breathed heavy sigh of silence.
I found out who my room-mate was but didn’t happen
to speak to her, not even a brief chat. She was a fair and tall pretty woman
appearing to be in her late 20’s or early 30’s. Our interesting introduction
was reserved only for the last when we ended up chatting for the whole night.
To me she was a sober woman with no ifs and buts,
at least during those 10 days. She might have found me so abstract. She did
make fun of my long grooming minutes before every meditation hour. She couldn’t
ignore me when I was getting all restless. At one point, I scared the shit out of her but she
appreciated my gesture of offering her medicine (when she wasn’t feeling too
well) at mid-night in darkness.
I was equally excited and surprised to know that my
room-mate was nothing less than a writer. Her self- journey of sailing with her
nomadic boyfriend for over 2 years in Pacific Ocean fascinated me. Not just
that, her love story is a book now – ‘Love with a chance of drowning’ which is
already on my book shelf.
In her
words “I'm a writer who travels. I'm a painter who
potters. I'm a designer and an illustrator by trade. I'm a little bit bohemian,
a little bit irreverent, and a little bit serious. I worry. A lot. I learned to
love adventure after I fell for a man with a humble boat and a plan to sail the
world. I'm a new author, and my debut book is 'Love with a Chance of Drowning'.
My home is Melbourne, Australia.”
The First step of Meditation
Hall - Do I stay or do I go?
After our formal group introduction to explain the purpose of the next
ten days, we all congregated out the front of the Dharma Hall. We were told, it starts the moment we take the
first step of Meditation Hall and before I could realise, the course had begun.
Checking in for 10 days of silence and signing an
agreement to follow the strictest code of discipline I’ve ever read in my life.
Here are the golden rules:
- To follow the five
precepts for the entire duration of the course: to abstain from killing
any being, stealing, all sexual activity, telling lies and all
intoxicants.
- Discontinuing other
forms of worship, meditation techniques or rituals (burning sage, tarot
cards, reciting mantras etc)
- Honouring the Noble
silence
- No physical contact
- Dressing in plain
loose clothing
- No yoga and
physical exercise
- No writing, music
or reading
- No technology or
electrical devices
- No communication
with the outside world
- No religious
objects, rosaries or crystals, and
- Strictly adhere to
the course timetable
Are you starting to see where I'm coming from?
Meditation Hall set up - Men were on the left side of the
hall and women were on the right. We were called in and silently shown
our allocated meditation spots. I was in the second front row (I never
liked being in the last row or you can say I am an attention seeker). Some
moments passed before the teacher entered the room. She took her meditation seat
center front on the floor stage. Then she scanned her eyes around the
room before closing them and dropping into meditation. I assumed that was an
invitation to close my eyes. So I did…wondering if there were going to be any
instructions.
Suddenly, a loud chanting blared through the speakers.
My eyes shot open and quickly scanned around
the room. “What was this? Where the hell was I? Why the hell was I
even here?” I wondered - all I had to do was sit
on my butt for a week and a half with my eyes closed and try to turn off my
insane brain? I had few moments of restlessness making me go out of the hall
for few minutes but I held on.
10 days as a Nun
Actually, the daily time schedule would be enough
to make any sane person run away.
THE COURSE TIMETABLE
The following timetable for the course has been designed to maintain the continuity of practice. For best results students are advised to follow it as closely as possible.
| 4:00 am | Morning wake-up bell | |
| 4:30-6:30 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room | |
| 6:30-8:00 am | Breakfast break | |
| 8:00-9:00 am | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 9:00-11:00 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions | |
| 11:00-12:00 noon | Lunch break | |
| 12noon-1:00 pm | Rest and interviews with the teacher | |
| 1:00-2:30 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your room | |
| 2:30-3:30 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 3:30-5:00 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions | |
| 5:00-6:00 pm | Tea break | |
| 6:00-7:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 7:00-8:15 pm | Teacher's Discourse in the hall | |
| 8:15-9:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 9:00-9:30 pm | Question time in the hall | |
| 9:30 pm | Retire to your own room--Lights out |
Ana-pana Days (Day 1-3)
The first row was for the former students. Oh my god! How strict and
serious they looked. They sat in the same crossed leg pose for all those hours
and didn’t move once except for when we had to get up to leave the room. Just
like a statue, they sat there; when they walk they always looked down on the
ground, never looking at anyone and always in a slow pace, very zombie like.
The first 3 days were devoted to ‘ana-pana’, a technique where you
observe only the breath at the inner rims of your nostrils and just above your
upper lip. A small concentrated area to sharpen your mind. We had to sit
with a clear mind (not day-dreaming or thinking) but only observe our
breathing.
Initially, I was so numb that I barely felt
anything. I had no preferences or frustrations but it didn’t seem an easy
task. Though my body just showed up at the right time at the right place
all 3 days but quiet mind just to observe the breath was hard because of the
voices in my head. I was having conversations with myself constantly, thinking
of the future, the past.
Thankfully, starting of 3rd day,
I trained my mind to a standstill pose. There was no more fighting, no more
running, no more denying and no more pretending. I had no idea why I was there
but I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to be happy again. So I
finally closed my eyes down and whispered ever so gently, “Tanvi simply go for
it”.
When meditating wasn’t compulsory, we ate, slept or
showered. For a moment there, life was simple and consisted only of sleeping,
meditating and eating. Easily could write a script for ‘Eat, Pray & Sleep’. I was also shocked at my ability to wake up
at 4.00am without cribbing which I thought would be my biggest challenge.
When during breaks we were taking walks of the
campus, different thoughts came in mind. At one point, the place appeared to be
women hostel or women prisoner and at times even mental rehab. Believe me, it
was freaky at times.
Hours of Strong Determination
– ‘Adhitthana’ (Day 4 – 6)
On day four, the technique progressed. It got
tough.
We went from observing the breath to observing
sensations all over the body and it required more focus and hardcore
concentration. The theory says that every unconscious thought creates physical
sensation in our body and by observing it without reaction we librate ourselves
from conditioning and attachments.
Why the 4th day was important, because
on this day, we started with sitting for 3 hours of strong determination
(called Adhitthana), where we were not supposed to move during meditation for
complete an hour. It sounded easier than it was, to just sit with straight
back, crossed legs and eyes closed for an entire hour without moving, trying to
quiet your noisy tummy screaming after food. The next few days brought out the
worst in me. All sorts of crazy sensations were arising in my body and
with them were coming a roller coaster of emotions. One thought led to another
in an unrelated manner. My mind protested loudly inside: I.N.S.A.N.E. This
meditation thing was NOT a mental relaxation technique. Some sessions had me so
restless and agitated that I would storm out of the hall wishing I could just
scream at the top of my lungs. Other sessions had me sitting there with
tears streaming down my face as I held my seat and allowed myself to be with
the pain that was arising deep from within my body. There were sessions
when I had the perfect meditation; a full hour of stillness and total bliss. These
sessions walked a fine line between being cathartic and being tortuous and I’m
not sure which ones I enjoyed more. Gradually, I started taking this whole
meditation thing more diligently. After all, our meditation teacher
reminded us every single session to, “Work diligently…diligently. Work
patiently and persistently…patiently and persistently. And you’re bound
to be successful…bound to be successful”.
Sounded good to me.
Between moments of silence on the meditation cushion
and moments of total loneliness behind closed doors, a whole new level of
questioning started to enter my sphere of consciousness. The kind of questions
I had heard before but never paid any attention to just because I thought they
were so absurd. All the more, the evening discourse was the one that changed my
perspective. Just like that it hit me. Like a slap across the face.
I created this misery.
Not him....Not her.....Not them.
It was me.....It was all me.
The
enormity of this realisation is enough to send someone back into miserable
paralysis with the thought: “If I created this misery, then I can undo this
misery”. Unfortunately, my ego grabbed a hold of that concept and did what
she knew best. For the next few days I was obsessed with ‘mentally’
fixing all that was broken and ‘mentally’ making right all that was wrong.
Abstract & Vague (Day
7)
We were told Day 6 would be one of the “hell” days
for most students. It would be the day you just want to get up and run away. That didn’t happen with me. I managed Day 6 with
ease but hey what’s wrong with Day 7 morning. I went and stood near my car
(within the boundary) and pondering over the idea of having an escape. I cried
and howled endlessly. It wasn’t a pleasant one. It was making me restless over
nothing. A brink of sadness was over my face and I was finding it difficult to
walk.
That mid-day, I broke one of
the golden rules of Vipassana (Noble Silence). At
lunch I heard somebody puking in the restroom. I wasn’t sure if I should have
approached her or not. By the book, I wasn’t supposed to be bothered about it,
but then it stroked me Buddha is about being compassionate too. Seeing her
taking a walk, I
walked over behind the bushes and asked if she was fine. She signalled that she
would be fine. I immediately went to my room to grab that one sachet of
electrolyte I had and gave it to her, thinking that might help her in curing
dehydration. She gave me a big smile and a thumb up. I smiled too!
In the meditation hall, I heard Goenkas voice”. Scan through
your body, thoroughly and objectively, observe the sensations. Make sure you do
not react to it. Just observe it objectively....with equanimity. See reality as
it. Work diligently, diligently and consistently. Be happy”. I struggled.
By the end of the day my body felt like a mass of vibrations
and heavy chunk of flesh with head spinning.
Intense and Deep
Surgical Act (Day 8 & 9)
8th day taught us the surgery procedure. The idea is to do a
deep surgery on ourselves, to get at an infection, and when you finally reach
it, you cut into it and all the pus comes flooding out. It appeared to me that
it would work, the purification would happen though it wouldn’t be a pleasant
one. To make myself believe, I went deep inside myself to dug up old scars, hurts,
anger, sadness, fear and other emotions that were still in there, long after
the incident that caused them. They were things that I hung on to, and if I
understood it correctly, it was the hanging on, that allowed them to
continually hurt me in the present. I
was amazed at the things that were buried deep inside me. It felt awful, but I
went on to do it because it was about cleaning out my wound.
I was finally learning to DEAL.
Later in the evening, we were taught to apply healing balm
to the wound, and let it heal while also learning how to live our life without
acquiring any more infections, all the while allowing any remaining ills to
come to the surface and be released.
Day 9th evening was the last day I lived in
silence. At night, I broke the ice with my room-mate with my restlessness
gestures and she couldn’t keep herself from laughing and giggling. Another
reason I was made to break the rule was my next door’s rat story that woke us
up at around 1sh because she felt there was somebody in her room. Post that, I
and Torre just chatted till around 3 and eventually missed 4 am clock Gong for
the very first and the last time.
Breaking Golden Silence
on Day 10
Excitement arrived. The moment to be able to speak
arrived, so much to say, to share, and to shout for. It was time to give our
introductions. We were still not allowed to experience human touch but never
mind; we could survive with our babbling. We heard each other, who went through
what. It was shocking to me how deceptive my perception was about few of them
like when I came to know about this missy talking of her imagination of movies
throughout while I was thinking of her such a perfectionist during her
meditation. Sooner, the divider between the male and female section was
removed. We were allowed to mix up and interact with our counter parts.
Interestingly this dining hall which had tasted the feel of noble silence was
now a room full of 50 babbling chatters. Later, we sat outside, laughed our
heart out and enjoyed our so-called picnic time till we heard the Gong sound
again.
It was strange to think about how 25 girls could live in an extremely
close quarters for 10 days in complete silence with no ability to communicate,
but it was equally amazing how adaptable we were. We soon all fell into a
rhythm, flowing with the schedule, sharing a bathroom and eating our meals, together,
but alone. I was fascinated.
Oh my God! Did I survive? Yes I did! It was an
accomplishment to cheer for, to boast about. Guess I could survive because I
had decided before I got there that I would surrender to it and let it take me
where I needed to go.
The Glorious Day opening
Sliding Doors of Freedom
Finally!! The doors were open, the gateway to come
back to reality zone but wait I wasn’t out, yet. I had opted to assist with the
cleaning part like the other volunteers. While doing that, we hugged and bid
goodbye to each other.
On my way out, I stood just at the boundary line,
to look back at the place, to take a flashback of 10 days and to realise what I
was about to take along with me. I
imagined 2 faces at that time; one is of my mother and second of my Mina aunt
who had asked me to come for this course. I wanted them to be there as I needed
a big HUG and a SHOUT of VICTORY. I wanted them to see my SMILE.
When I sat on the steering wheel, I felt strange.
My life had been at utmost slow pace but this car was running, running way too fast,
I, yet wasn’t prepared for. So I along with my new sweet friend Anjali, decided
to stop at a cafe. We had this amazing Cuppa
with Spanish omelette ending up doing some shopping...Whoooo I broke the ice.
I have come back. I wouldn’t lie. Since that day, I
haven’t practiced Vipassana, not even for 5 min but listen, I could feel the
change. Some nerve inside has become wiser. Somewhere deep inside I feel at
peace, my wounds for now have been taken care of. My problems haven’t vanished but
surprisingly I am not stressed about them.
It seemed my life had a standstill phase. Vipassana acted as a catalyst. It made me
BELIEVE.
Ø It made me believe that it is blissful to know that
I have a self-healing magic.
Ø It made me believe that I have something which no
one on this planet can snatch away from me.
Ø It made me believe that I am capable of having
strong determination and standing by it.
Ø It made me believe in my capability to control my
emotions.
Ø It made me believe that I am not a puppet in
someone’s hands.
Ø It made me to believe myself and take a dive in a
leap of faith.
In Vipassana’s language, go and seek out the
truth....whatever that is to you...in your own words...
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