When are you getting married - "AGAIN". This question will either make me or break me. Yes, that is the whole definition of it.
Yes, This is the question I have been asked by almost everyone, I know in my life, these days and it will keep on pestering my life until I have that black 'sacred nuptial chain' in my neck again. It is all about sense of security one gets with this bond. Though it has the same significance all over the world but with us Indians, it is a high intense drama that is sole reason of our happiness or misery.
I say, yes I will once I am all prepared for it. But I know, that time will never come. We don't really get prepared for these kind of events ever. Few phases, like birth, death and marriage, in our life are destined and can't be manipulated. I will never go out and say, hey mom get me married; for the reason of being so much in love with my independence and freedom. Marriage, at this stage, does give me goosebumps more than an assurance. Seeing my friends juggling with their own self and marriage responsibilities, I keep my thoughts of tying the knot at bay. Though, believe me, when I was one of them, I was good.
Everyone wishes to get married to be happily ever after or together shall I say. Where does that wish go? My mind is a wanderer and it did the same. Moments of flat faces and I took few steps back. Ran away from every situation I could. Just wanted a smooth phase. Did not accept and faced stormy moments and then ended creating a storm for myself. Anyways, how much we value it initially? We don't for whatsoever reason. I will now, I guess.
Having understood few things I am surely clear on this- The mere idea of me getting married is for companionship.
Another aspect - Stick with your husband no matter what! Why? You are accepted socially! You won’t have to face those uncomfortable questions, you won’t face social stigma, your parents won’t be shamed, their social standing (as well as yours, of course!) will not decrease, you may even be exalted as “the perfect wife” or “the perfect daughter-in-law” (but only if you work hard enough, mind you!) – BINGO – Indian wedding norms defines it all - I am aware of so many my first degree connections going through this.
Can I share another perspective? – Knowing of the fact that we Indians are so much of emotional fools, we find it significant to do things with religious consent. You know how when we get married take those 7 Pheras (7 circles) in one direction with all the mantras in the world to be sung; we should have a similar pattern when taking a divorce – but now taking Ulte (opposite) 7 pheras (circles) to emphasise that we are taking back all those said promises and swears. What say? It may sound hilarious but at the same time an emotional torture to go through it or may be second thoughts on separation may make the spouse stick. Signing on a useless Divorce paper doesn’t help anywhich ways. The memories (Be it good or bad) haunt you till your last breath. Do I make sense? I will, one day! Trust me I can write and will write many more pages on this sensitive topic because it holds closest to my heart.
Yes, This is the question I have been asked by almost everyone, I know in my life, these days and it will keep on pestering my life until I have that black 'sacred nuptial chain' in my neck again. It is all about sense of security one gets with this bond. Though it has the same significance all over the world but with us Indians, it is a high intense drama that is sole reason of our happiness or misery.
I say, yes I will once I am all prepared for it. But I know, that time will never come. We don't really get prepared for these kind of events ever. Few phases, like birth, death and marriage, in our life are destined and can't be manipulated. I will never go out and say, hey mom get me married; for the reason of being so much in love with my independence and freedom. Marriage, at this stage, does give me goosebumps more than an assurance. Seeing my friends juggling with their own self and marriage responsibilities, I keep my thoughts of tying the knot at bay. Though, believe me, when I was one of them, I was good.
Everyone wishes to get married to be happily ever after or together shall I say. Where does that wish go? My mind is a wanderer and it did the same. Moments of flat faces and I took few steps back. Ran away from every situation I could. Just wanted a smooth phase. Did not accept and faced stormy moments and then ended creating a storm for myself. Anyways, how much we value it initially? We don't for whatsoever reason. I will now, I guess.
Having understood few things I am surely clear on this- The mere idea of me getting married is for companionship.
Another aspect - Stick with your husband no matter what! Why? You are accepted socially! You won’t have to face those uncomfortable questions, you won’t face social stigma, your parents won’t be shamed, their social standing (as well as yours, of course!) will not decrease, you may even be exalted as “the perfect wife” or “the perfect daughter-in-law” (but only if you work hard enough, mind you!) – BINGO – Indian wedding norms defines it all - I am aware of so many my first degree connections going through this.
Can I share another perspective? – Knowing of the fact that we Indians are so much of emotional fools, we find it significant to do things with religious consent. You know how when we get married take those 7 Pheras (7 circles) in one direction with all the mantras in the world to be sung; we should have a similar pattern when taking a divorce – but now taking Ulte (opposite) 7 pheras (circles) to emphasise that we are taking back all those said promises and swears. What say? It may sound hilarious but at the same time an emotional torture to go through it or may be second thoughts on separation may make the spouse stick. Signing on a useless Divorce paper doesn’t help anywhich ways. The memories (Be it good or bad) haunt you till your last breath. Do I make sense? I will, one day! Trust me I can write and will write many more pages on this sensitive topic because it holds closest to my heart.
4 comments:
Very well written, very impressed.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” A famous man said, and I agree and believe.
“do ghadi vho jo paas aa bithae, hum zamane se door ja baithaee”
I believe that marriage is a wonderful institution in partnership and a fascinating journey in emotional bonding. Years ago I met a man in my department, who with tears rolling down has wrinkled cheeks said, “my wife of 65 years died last month I am leading to live again”, I held his hands and “said you are blessed as God could not be your parent, sibling, lover and child all in one all your life, so gave you a part of himself and called her a wife”. I do not know why and how I said this, just said it, am sure I believe it. Marriage is a beautiful experience, it does hurt that some of us to have to go though it more than once, but this can be no justification to treat the institution and the processes with cynicism after all it would not be fair on the people involved.
A divorcee cannot be the head of the British throne, I often wondered about prince William, the only thing that would ever prevent him from being the king of England is a divorce, his place in the history of the Windsor’s and the world could be obliterated by his marriage falling apart, he did got married and everything he is destined to be, now depends on this aspect of his life working well; this is a glorious display of mutual respect, trust and commitment. On the same token I have a respect for another member of his family, Kind Edward the VIII, who for the sake of his love abdicated from the throne British throne and, went on to lead a life in France. Both are case studies in the beauty of marriage.
“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Said another famous person; in your partner you find a friend, a confidante, a soul mate. The bond is all encompassing, not to tolerate but to accommodate, not to grow but to develop, not to just reciprocate but to indulge, not just to support but also to comfort, not to exist in discordance but to live in harmony.
I agree with what you mean, “the processes of getting married and staying married is a emotional one, so why is divorce just signing of a piece of paper” and I cannot disagree on the need for thought on the way to the permanence of a divorce, sadly not many people are as sensitive and I really do not think many have the emotional maturity to see what’s beyond material or gain. I also understand when you say that the memories are there to stay, there is no argument about it, yes they are, they are, and it is important to respect them, it is called loyalty to times; good or otherwise, as important as it is to trust again and let new memories in. Harivansh Rai Bachchan writes a nice poem after his first wife of 10 years died, the starting lines as I remember them are:
नीड का निर्माण फ़िर फ़िर,
नेह का आव्हान फ़िर फ़िर|
Having spoken of memories I recollect a song enacted by nassiruddin shah, rekha and some else, I have it on my computer, will send it across on FB, listen to it, it’s a beautiful depiction of memory.
You read it so thoroughly Swaroop. Really appreciate it. Though what I writing here are really notes to myself and Iam not trying to prove anything to anyone. But listening to others views is always good and learning. Loved those lines by Harivansh Rai Bachan and how you remembered them.
Do send me that song, and if I am not you are talking of film 'Izazat' and song may be ' Mera kuch saamaan tumhare paas pada hai'...I have come to believe that Marriage is simple but we make it complicated with our individual's expectations and perspectives. We don't let it breathe.
And I must say, you are surely giving me a reason to write more.
I completely agree marriage is simple and simply wonderful, I often think of it as wine in a barrel,evolving together to bring the best from each others characteristics. I agree it is important to breath life into the relationship and the breath of air comes from honesty, communication, understanding and accepting, unfortunately the stresses of life and the pressures of day to day living prevent people from this essential indulgence. Quite sad.
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